suddenly, it’s mid spring. i feel like for weeks i’ve been seeing trees just on the edge of their leaves unfurling, with a hint of a green, and then i blinked, and everywhere has burst out. green so bright it’s almost neon. birdsong so loud that i wake earlier and earlier each day. trees and bushes full of blossom i want to bury my face in and feel it’s softness against my skin. spring is my favourite time, and yet i always forget that in the dark of winter.
magnolia, cherry blossom, hawthorn, bluebell, cowslip, dandelion, wild garlic, nettle, cleaver…. spring life bursting up everywhere, so abundant.
with spring comes, as always, a burst of energy for new things, for making again, for opening up and seeing what else is happening in other people’s worlds. i’ve been on retreat for the first time in 4 years, which was pure medicine, such a lush deep time, to have a few days to myself.
alongside that burst of energy a demon of mine has come to visit me again. the demon of comparison, bringing the poisoned apple of envy and the lemonade of lack. i see my peers get ordained, buy houses, work full time on their art, and instead of the joy of watching people i care about succeed, i feel envious and less. little inside my skin, like i will never achieve what they have, like somehow their success means i am less likely to get there too. inadequacy is a wolf at my door, howling it’s sweet, depressing song. it feels safe and known, and sickens me at the same time.
i moved into working with amitabha at the start of april, and to be honest, i’ve done very little. amitabha is the buddha of love and compassion, his colour is red, the red of the setting sun in the west. he lives in sukavati, the pure land, and there is a whole sect devoted to him, and the powerful practice of just chanting his name. his animal is the peacock, who has the power of transforming the poison of the snakes that it eats into its beautiful feathers.
i’ve not been feeling full of love and compassion, and so have been turning away from amitabha, but in the past few days, as i have been able to let a little compassion for myself in, i’ve been able to see that he is the perfect buddha for me right now. the envy i feel can be transformed into mudita (sympathetic joy) through giving it up to him, through taking refuge in his unconditional love. amitabha’s peacock can eat my envy, and turn it into beauty. i can eat my envy and transmute it into beauty.
so that’s what i’ve been doing. i’ve been making small things, some socks, some quilt blocks, a baby quilt for a friend, a crochet squid. focusing on soft transformations, sewing one stitch at a time, making things just for the love of it without thinking about the instagram post i might make, or how it measures up to what other artists i admire are doing. there’s something of trying to find an egolessness in my art, a way to honor my process through sharing it and letting myself be seen, while not getting caught up in the business of trying to be seen.
i’ve often thought that i aspire to be the next aloka, or sahaja, artists that mean a lot to me because of the strength and truth i see in their work, the emotional reaction i have to their work. i want to make deeply meaningful art, that explores my buddhist practice and that is my buddhist practice like they do. but i think i’ve got caught up in the instagram game, the life of the hustle, believing the ‘dream’ that says, if i make my money from my art, somehow it’s more valid. i think i’ve seen the success that someone like aloka has had, within triratna, and latched onto that as a thing to aim for, when actually, what i need to be aiming for is depth of practice and authenticity. that is what will bring me ability to make work that moves people - and also, will not fuel my envy and comparisons.
so, what to do? as an extrovert processor it’s writing this newsletter that has made all this clear to me. before writing this i just had a mush of thoughts, that were unformed and a little bit vague, a sense of discomfort with the direction i was taking, and a desire to explore what this envy and comparison was all about. now? i think i will close my etsy shop for awhile, keep writing this newsletter, sporadically, when i have something to say rather than keeping to a rigid timetable, and delete instagram from my phone (!) and just use it from my laptop as a way to keep sharing snippets of process.
i wanted to find a beautiful photo to end on some aesthetically meaningful note, but i keep coming back to this one above. some bits of crochet, that eventually became a squid, but at this stage, could have turned into anything. this photo, a bit of a bigger process. somehow to end with this unfinished thing, feels right, like the bits that become the thing are just as important while they’re just bits, and there’s no such thing as the thing, or an end. it’s all process.
spring is a process.
thanks for reading.
love ruth.