it’s been hard recently, and things look to continue being that way for some time. i’m living in my van now, without access to a studio space - my sewing machines and many boxes of fabric packed away. i miss them desperately. my hands ache to sew, to feel fabric, wrap it around me and transform it. my imagination soars with what if’s, and if i could’s.
at the start of things being hard, i thought i would have a studio while living in my van, and i vowed to myself to spend the winter making an entire outfit; socks, undies, leggings, dress, coat, hat. to clothe myself in absolute adoration, in care, in love, as a way to help me work with everything that is going on. but that vision of a studio has not come to fruition, and these last few weeks have been a process of letting go of that, the sense of security a studio space gave me, the purpose it lent me. i’ve had to let go of what i want, and let in what is.
here in my van, knitting and crochet are the crafts i have space for. a box perched at the end of my bed, pushed aside when it’s time to sleep, full of yarn for a couple of projects. a basket of scrap yarn, there for me to doodle with when i have no concentration for following instructions and charts. the half finished projects that have been languishing. this is what i have brought with me into my new home. things that need some love, that have been forgotten. in them i see myself, how i have forgotten bits of myself, how i need to give myself some love. in them i see that hiding things away does not make them go away, that whatever is hidden, remains, until is it brought into the light, looked at, and worked through.
i still have the idea to make a whole entire outfit for myself wandering around inside my head. i can feel it, gently waiting for me to be ready - a whole, head to toe, knitted outfit! it’s a reminder that though things don’t always turn out how you imagined, there can often be something new and powerful waiting to come through.
while all that bubbles away at the back of my mind, i will be sitting wrapped up in my van, knitting a jumper.
love ruth